The Traveler:
Do not talk to me if I sit next to you. I am substantially worse than an empty seat. I will not only not ignore you if you try to talk to me... I will make fun of you, relentlessly, until you cry... (not you-you, just someone like you, who feels as though it's cool to use one of the six hours I get a week where I don't have to be "on" to babble..
Actually, you don't even have to talk to me... just *near* me is fine. on Thursday last, there was this guy across the isle, talking on the phone to his partner, then to his wife, bitching about his admin, Celeste... I picked up my phone and called a random friend:
"HEY YOU! YEAH... I REALLY DON'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW I HATE TO TALK ON AIRPLANES, BUT I FIGURED THE GUY ACROSS FROM ME SHOULDN'T BE THE ONLY INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE TALKING FOUR NOTCHES TOO LOUD 18 FUCKING INCHES AWAY FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S FACE...
LIKE THIS OTHER ASSHOLE ACROSS THE ISLE FROM ME... YOU KNOW I KNOW ALL ABOUT HIM NOW, IT'S FANTASTIC, I THINK WE SHOULD TOTALLY INVITE HIM OVER FOR DINNER, BUT ONLY IF HE FUCKING FIRES CELESTE, BECAUSE I'M REALLY FUCKING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT HER, SERIOUSLY, CAN HER RUSSIAN ASS...
DO YOU THINK HE BOUGHT HER, AND THAT'S WHY HE CAN'T FIRE HER? THAT'S AMAZING, I'LL ASK:
to the guy: "SO DID YOU BUY CELESTE, AS SOME SORT OF SEX TOY FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE, AND THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T FIRE HER? DUDE YOU SHOULD TOTALLY NOT MAKE HER WORK IN YOUR OFFICE, IF AS YOU SUGGEST 'SHE ISN'T GOOD WITH TAKING INITIATIVE. WELL I GUESS MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE HER WORKING THERE INSTEAD OF CHAINED UP IN YOUR PLEASURE ROOM, HUH? I MEAN NO INITIATIVE SHE CAN'T POSSIBLE BE THAT GOOD IN BED THEN...
WHAT WAS THAT? OH YEAH, 'RANDOM' WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'D BE WILLING TO SELL HER AFTER YOU FIRE HER, RUSSIAN IMPORTS ALWAYS SUFFER ON RESALE, AND HE WANT'S TO BUY "AT THE BOTTOM" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... AND I THINK YOU DO.."
