The Traveler:
36 hours before ruining that front desk clerks aspirations of becoming a crime scene investigator, I discovered that Ausi women can be aggressively … uh… aggressive. Seriously where was this place when I was a in my 20s?
It was a Friday night, and I should have known better. I even had to shoot the doorman a look that suggested that even the aspiring forensic investigator of a desk clerk might not find his body if he made any noise about letting me in. So, there I was sidling up to the bar, one of three ultra snooty bars associated with my hotel. And all I wanted was a Jack single barrel, and then to find a quiet corner to watch people.
As I waited for my drink, a reasonably pretty giraffe of a girl leaned over and said: “Blur, Dja aaye ur merkan”
Even being the ho whisperer, I musta missed the class in drunken Ausi chick translation. I looked at her harder. she looked to be feathered, like wearing a black Big Bird costume. I had a Hunter Thompson moment, and remembered the talking lizards in the Las Vegas hotel bar, and had to shake it off to stop the flashback trip.
It didn’t work. She really was dressed in what could only be a black Big Bird costume. The Big Bird said again: “Blur, Dja aaye ur merkan”
Not her but really close
Excuse me, I asked her wide eyed.
“BLUR, Dja aaYE uR MerKan”
“What?” I asked afraid of the answer. Was this Bird gonna eat me? The night before I had weird nightmares about snakes being everywhere in my house… could this be a part of that… some kind of latent living nightmare. Black Big Birds feathers pulsed just like the brown snake in my dream.
Fuck me.
“Uhhhhhh...” This is how it ends. They put this giant black unintelligible bird here to talk to me, while the kidnap van pulls up out front and dudes in black suits and sunglasses step out…
My imagination is too over active for this circumstance. I am waaay too tired, and this is just some dumb chick wearing altogether too many fucking feathers.
That settled my heart rates down a bit more. I shot the backup jack, announced officer down, and called for more backup.
Not unsurprisingly, the second double 100 proof single barrel acted like a babble fish, and suddenly I was fluent in drunk Ausi chick.
“Hmm?” I asked.
“I said, did ya say you were an American?”
“I didn’t say that, but I am…” I said with a clever smile. Single Barrel Jack also has the ability to convince me that talking like a total cock, but adding a sarcastic tone is charming.
“ThAt’S AwESOMe!” she said stamping her foot. Suddenly I’m filled with visions of a strutting rooster at a cockfight, Is she gonna fucking fight me?
“We’re hanging with this total asshole from Santa Barbara, you should hang.”
“Does ‘Total Asshole’ Mean what I think it means”.
“Yeah. He’s absolutely wretched, but he’s rich!”
“Yeah… so turns out I came here to escape from an asshole from Santa Barbara, that I owe money to.” I said – tee hee. I’m so funny, Gods I need more drink. That jack found the bottom of my tummy, and I needed to call the SWAT Team.
“Fuck the good stuff,” I told the bartender, “I need the cheep liquor, stat!” My plan was simple, drink myself into a coma so I didn’t have to finish this conversation, or god forbid go hang out with her and some advertised asshole from Santa Barbara who almost certainly thought of this Bird of his, and wouldn’t enjoy her bringing me back with her.
“You’re so funny.” She said. Hand brushing shoulder, and chest. Jesus, the fricken Brunettutan would have torn off your head for that – Needed to turn this off now. “You really should come join us.” Join us… Join us… Join us…
“I am Not going to join your cult, you are Not going to turn me into a big bird.” I said.
My words simply didn’t register. I could have said anything, it didn’t matter, the blew through her like wind. “Where are you from?”
“Dallas Texas”
“GeT ouT! NO WaY!!” She said so loud I think I dropped my drink. Seriously. She ANNOUNCED that shit. Like spun and shouted it to everyone in the whole bar. “ThAT iS FUCKinG AMAzinG!”
Oh Dear God, It’s Gonna eat me. As hard as I tried, all of the Hunter Thompson inspired hallucinations returned.
“wwwwhhhhhhhyyyy?” I begged.
“The Santa Barbara guy… He’s a HORSE WHISPERER.”
Oh I so seriously doubt that. I thought. That sounds exactly like the kind of thing an asshole from Santa Barbara would think would impress a big dumb black bird dressed Ausi chick. That is so a marriage made in … whatever I don’t want to get involved in that.
“What does that have to do with—“
She cut me off. “BeeeCAUZEE – you know.. Dallas… Horses… “
“Okay sweetie.” I said. Suddenly all the evil flashbacks were over. She was just a big dumb girl. “So you know that Dallas is like four times larger than this little cow town, and nearly twice as big as Sydney, right? I say that meaning, we don’t let horses just fucking walk around,”
“But you have on cowboy boots” she said. Somewhat smaller.
--mouth agape—I start to say something. Stop. Start again. Stop. Then finally, “Yup, you got me there.”
About that time some dude walked up behind her and said something completely unintelligible. She turned to him like the dog in ‘Up’ “Squirrel!”.
Just then an elderly couple stepped between me and her, and I shit you not the husband said to me: “You better make your escape.”
I looked at him for a second. Was this another flashback? I am I really that drunk? But his wife spoke up: “You better hurry, go!”
I went.
You have to be real careful with us horse whisperers from Santa Barbara. We just may whack you with our polo mallets.
ReplyDeleteYep. But strangegly. When in reverse. I am quite happy to confirm that kangaroos roam the streets and I swim with sharks. Of course I have NOT been accosted by a big black american bird. It would be like an evil sesame street episode and I may laugh.
ReplyDeleteThere is absolutely no way I was gonna discover what the Asshole from SB was like. I certainly didn't want him whispering anything to my horse.
ReplyDeleteAnd Kristain, I have yet to see a fucking 'Roo, or get tasted by a shark, and the closest thing I've come to a croc is my boots. I'm pissed. definitely not as advertised.