So, Bob and I Devise the Ultimate Weapon

The Traveler:


(This actually happened a month or so back, it was written in word and never posted... sorry bout that).


As fortune would have it while I was in town trying to educate a new crop of CIOs on such thrilling topics as IT Branding and Governance, Bob (EMEA CTO for a major software company, and pondonkit co-inventor) was in San Jose doing whatever high end technologists do who have real jobs. 


We managed to find time to catch a drink, and after several, Bob who had been a recon soldier in something called ‘Her Majesties Green Shirt Regiment’ or some crazy shit like that was trying to convince a friend he’s brought along (Andy) that during survival training recon soldiers lived solely on a diet of squirrel’s milk. 


I being a former recon guy in the very clearly named, 82nd Airborne had to back him up, of course.


“How would you even milk a squirrel?” 


“You just rub ‘em.” Bob said.


“with gloves on, of course.”  I said.


“Oh yeah, they’d completely fuck your hands up”.


“No way you’d spend all your time just trying to catch and milk squirrels.”


“Dude, “ I said incredulously. “You bring your own squirrels…”


Bob: “Seriously, wild squirrel milk is disgusting.”


Me: “Nothing but free range ethically harvested organic peanut fed squirrel’s milk for me.”


Bob: “That’s great for the omega 3 fatty acids”. 


“Dude, no way… there is no way you could even carry enough squirrels to get enough milk.” Andy said. 


“Squirrel bandolier.” Bob said patiently. 


“Well in the American army, we used our grenade vest, but yeah same principle.” I said. 


Andy: “Bullshit, I call bullshit on that. Where would you keep your grenades!”


“They don’t let you have grenades in training.” I said.


“Can you imagine a bunch of 18 year old hormone raging boys flinging grenades at each other.” 


“It would be like Iraq.” Andy said. 


That was good for an ironic laugh… then Bob said, cold dead serious: “Dude. They should let us carry squirrels into combat.”


“Fuck. Me.” I said.


“Can you imagine the terror on some jihadi’s face you hurl a fucking squirrel at his face?”


Andy jumped in. “fucking thing would get all up in his hair and his beard.” 


“Gentlemen, I think we have discovered America’s next great terror weapon.” I pronounced. 


… and from there, as these things do… it got a little silly.